Willpower Stinks
But it's Not Your Fault
You’ve likely heard the maxim before…
“You are the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with.
Or maybe…
“Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future”.
Cringe a little? I feel ya, I don’t much like platitudes either. Yet while the absolute veracity of these and all other similar pithy statements can be challenged, I believe the general ideas hold true.
In evolutionary theory, adaptation is the biological mechanism by which organisms adjust to new environments or to changes in their current environment.
Our environment, and that includes the people in it, shapes us in powerful, sometimes easy to look over ways. I believe this because I’ve seen it first hand in my own life, and also in the lives of hundreds of clients over the years. If you want to pick up something new, you’re more likely to do it if you shape your environment to encourage it. Take, I dunno, playing soccer. You might start with some online research. You’d employ the services of Ms. Google to locate a convenient enough place to play. Maybe go and talk to the people there, then buy some sweet gear, etc. You take some easy steps to begin with. And that thing about sweet gear? Although billions of doll hairs worth of purchased and neglected exercise equipment let us know this alone won’t do the trick, giving yourself a little treat early on can help.
IYKYK
But I’m getting off track. Point is, you don’t drive to the field, sit in your parked car in the lot wishing you could play. You get to the point where eventually you boot up, get on the pitch with those who are doing the thing, and begin to play the game. Even if you suck at first. Same with most anything else. Do a thought experiment right now… when have you ever done a thing you haven’t previously seen modeled in some way?
We expect (hope?) to exercise more frequently, but primarily (or only?) associate with folks who choose evenings of mind-numbing television over regular exercise. We want to change our eating habits by including more healthier choices, but continue using the novelty of food and release of alcohol as our primary (again, only?) tools for winding down and relieving stress. When was the last time “getting together with friends” didn’t involve food and/or alcohol? I’m not preaching that a greasy pizza and a few beers are “bad”, in fact the benefits of social time might sometimes outweigh the negative consequences. However if you only have or know how to use certain tools, you’re gonna build a house out of ‘em.
Instead of trying and failing repeatedly with willpower, increasing the defeated and deflated feelings and self-talk that repeated failures bring, (It’s too hard… I can’t… I’ll never… I’ll start on Monday… f*ck it) try instead using the tool of “friend power”. In fact you’re probably already using it, so you just have to redirect it! As you know we’re not fans of doing a 180 and taking on too much, so start small. How can you reorient yourself, just a little bit more, toward a different environment and circle of influence?
Here’s Light Watkins from a recent newsletter of his (which I highly recommend btw)
“Be the 6th. If you hang around 5 meditators, you will inevitably become the 6th. If you hang around 5 health-conscious people, you will be the 6th. If you hang around 5 people who follow their heart, you will be the 6th. If you’re having a difficult time sticking to your health and wellness goals, try surrounding yourself with people who are actively doing what you want to do better”
The 6th, not this guy…
Today there’s no shortage of groups to seek out and become a part and exchange support. There’s proven power in the influence and accountability others provide. It’s a big part of the success (i.e. consistency) of group fitness classes like CrossFit in exercise land, systems like Weight Watchers and Noom in diet land, 12-Step programs in recovery land, and practicing with a group or sangha in meditation land. If you can’t (or aren’t ready to) jump into IRL groups, there’s no shortage of online options to be found. Actually, the online space makes it even easier. A quick search will turn up dozens of groups on facebook, meetup, etc, for just about anything. If the idea of joining a group is beyond scary or just doesn’t appeal to you right now, working with a coach could be a great place to start. Having someone on your team, someone who’s been through the place you’re at to play follow-the-leader with can really make a big difference.
Admitting you can’t do it alone (whatever it is), that you may, in fact, just need some help, is vulnerable. I know, another cringe word… But while I don’t know for sure what you’ll find if you go there, I can tell you first hand that the other side of that for me has, more often than not, felt a whole lot better than doing nothing and wishing things would be different.
Lastly, for those of you for whom the idea of Being the 6th aka being a “joiner” is the ultimate cringe, consider the alternative and Be the 1st! Open up to your already existing friend group with something like “Hey crew, I’ve been thinking of trying ________, anyone down to try with me? Worst case is you’re exactly where you are now. But if you don’t try to do a bunch of convincing and just explain some reasons why you want to do the thing, you may just land a copilot.
Share with us!
What’s something you’ve felt stuck around and could use some support on? Holler back and throw it out there.
Until next time,
Chris
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